Gracious God, I feel so stretched in so many ways. I feel pulled in so many directions and I barely feel as though I have any energy to move in any direction. I feel so distant from You yet I see You working in very specific ways in my life and in my family's life. I want to be closer to You yet I feel so frail to even begin to do that. I feel as though I am surviving from one day to the next. Some days I feel as though I get so much done and accomplished and then the very next day I can't seem to accomplish anything. I want to work at Wal-Mart yet I don't. Sometimes I want nothing more than to see people though your eyes and sometimes I just want to escape in to a hole somewhere in a corner. I feel so all over the map.
I know You have seen all of this and more in me. I know none of this comes as a surprise to You. I am sure that much of it saddens Your heart. I am so sorry God. My emotions are so jumbled up that I can barely even begin to put words to them. You can see in to my heart far better than I can. Show me what is there. Hear the cry of my heart through the muck and sin. Bring me to that place of rest and peace. I seek Your presence. I have no right except the blood of Christ to even think this a possibility. You have told us that we can have confidence to come before because of Christ blood. I seek to come before with this confidence. I come to simply be in Your presence. I have many things that I want to ask for and seek You for but in the end I that trust being in Your presence is what I need. I trust that You will show me what I need to see and tell me what I need to hear.
I hope that others have not suffered because of my lack of commitment to You. I especially hope this is true of my family though I am sure it is not. Do not punish them for my sins. Angie is so sweet and wonderful God. She works so hard to do what she believes she needs to do. She has worked so hard over the years to meet expectations that I have had of her. She works so hard to simply make sure that our fmily is happy and taken care of. I am sorry for the ways I have viewed her. I am sorry for all of the unnecessary burdens I have placed on her. I know I have no real understanding of what all of them are. God forgive me and show me how to change. Father forgive me for the mistakes I have made with the boys. Forgive me when I have been too harsh and too easily angered by them. This has been especially true with Anthony. I am so sorry. Let him know how sorry I am. God show me how to be fair and true to both of them. I want them to see You in me.
Father heal me in places I do not know need to be healed. Take me to place in my walk with You that are beyond anything I can begin to imagine. Give me the desire to seek You and Your word. Give me a thirsty for knowledge and understand about You that cannot be quenched. I want to learn. I want to see more and more dots connected. I want to see the simple and the dynamic in new and incredible ways. I want to simply know You. I want to be able to rest in Your presence. I want You to be first in my life. I want to be both fearful and confident in Your presence. You are the only one who accomplish this in my life. I look forward to seeing how You will change me and grow me.
God You truly are the great provider.
God You are so much more than I can express. I love You. Thank You for listening to my heart and mind tonight. Thank You for always listening though I do not deserve Your attention. I anticipate Your power and change. Amen.
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